In the new NetVUE volume, Called Beyond Ourselves: Vocation and the Common Good, Meghan M. Slining’s chapter, “A Case for Compassionate Pedagogy: Caring for the Public’s Health, Cultivating Sustainable Vocations,” argues that our compassion can keep students engaged during difficult times. Compassion is a way of being with suffering that allows us to see, hold, and acknowledge suffering, while also compelling us to take actions towards reducing it. Slining suggests that training and skills related to compassion can help reduce burnout and support sustainable vocations, which are important for the longevity of caring for the common good. Slining notes that this compassion extends not only to those we serve or the external world but also to ourselves. Within both my previous clinical work and my current teaching, I have been interested in self-compassion, but only recently have I begun to see its intersection with teaching vocation. In this post, I will share how the psychological literature defines self-compassion, my observations of self-compassion (or the lack of it) in students, and where self-compassion and vocation intersect.
What is self-compassion?
When I ask students what comes to mind when they see the word “self-compassion,” their responses have recently included “It seems selfish,” “People with too much self-compassion are narcissists,” and “It’s just an aesthetic” (i.e. it looks nice on social media but is not necessarily practical or attainable). Similarly, I was recently talking with a colleague about self-compassion and her first question was, “Do you mean self-care?” While self-compassion and self-care may be related, they are not quite the same. These reactions always remind me that there is a gap between the lay understanding of self-compassion and self-compassion as it has been defined within the field of psychology.
According to psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion has three components: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Self-kindness is what most people think of when they encounter the term self-compassion, and it means simply being kind and warm towards oneself, particularly in moments of struggle. It contrasts with self-judgment, which is a more critical or harsher approach towards the self. The second component, common humanity, is the recognition that all people suffer—that to struggle is to be human. This component contrasts with isolation, which occurs when we feel as though we are the only one struggling. The final component is mindfulness, which helps us to approach our challenges in such a way that we are not denying them or overexaggerating them, but rather experiencing them in a nonjudgmental way in the present moment. The other side of mindfulness is over-identification, when we may feel all-consumed by our struggles or our emotions around our struggles.
This definition greatly broadens popular conceptions of self-compassion; however, it does not address the understandable misconceptions of the concept. Neff’s self-compassion website provides a quick review of the myths about self-compassion, such as that it is self-indulgent or makes you weak. For a more in-depth review of these misconceptions, see the chapter “Self-compassion and Psychological Well-being” by Drs. Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer from The Oxford Handbook of Compassion Science.
Do students need self-compassion?
The short answer to this question, like any complex question, is “it depends.” As with any psychological trait or mindset, people vary on how much self-compassion they have or use. While it may not work for all students, I have seen many situations in which I believe that their struggles could be improved by implementing more self-compassionate practices. I will highlight a few examples below.
As an activity in my first-year seminar on well-being and resiliency, students recall a time when they made a mistake and then write what they said to themselves on small piece of paper. I encourage them not to think of the worst mistake that they have ever made but rather to think of a lesser mistake and to write their response as if they were saying it to themselves in the moment. Next, they crumple their paper, throw it to the front of the room, and pick up someone else’s. They then take turns reading them aloud as if they were directing the phrases to me, their professor. When they hear this last instruction, students groan, sigh, or smile slightly awkwardly. A student might say, “Ugh, Sam, I think this might be too mean” or “I feel kind of bad saying this to you.” Of course, this is the purpose of this activity—to highlight the not-so-nice things that students might say to themselves in a moment of struggle. Typically, one or two students will say something nice or encouraging (“You’ll do better next time” or “Everyone makes mistakes”); however, the significant majority offer more challenging responses (“You are so dumb” or “You always mess up everything” or “You can’t do anything right”). These kinds of self-critical internal scripts can be painful and may make it more difficult for students to ask for help. This activity highlights for students that many of them tend towards self-judgment, not self-kindness, in moments of challenge.
Beyond self-kindness, I see students struggle with common humanity. For example, a first-year student may worry that they are the only one who is homesick, or a research student may confide in me that they feel like they are the only one on the team who doesn’t “get it.” In both cases, I have not only the benefit of personal experience but also a history of interactions with a variety of students to know that neither of these responses is unusual. However, in each scenario, the student feels isolated and has forgotten, or has not been able to tap into, their common humanity. They struggle to recognize that other students feel the way they do—that they are not alone. For some students, it seems like this isolation even feeds feelings of shame, or “I am not good enough.” Again, when students feel this way, they struggle to ask for support.
Finally, students tend to towards over-identification versus mindfulness. Mindfulness is a concept that has been translated from Eastern religion and philosophies, such as Buddhism, and is not unique to self-compassion. Neff talks about mindfulness as a way of approaching ourselves in which we do not become over-consumed by our feelings or judgmental of them. In my previous clinical work, I regularly saw college students who had a hard time acknowledging their feelings and tended to judge the fact that they were having feelings. For example, a client experiencing bullying might say, “I shouldn’t feel upset by this,” or a client who recently lost her dad might not understand why she was “still” so upset after a few months. I see this in my students when they feel overwhelmed or consumed as well.
How does self-compassion relate to vocation?
Initially, the intersection of self-compassion with vocation seemed tenuous to me. However, I have come to see three ways that I believe self-compassion can relate to vocational journeys:
- First, by extending Slining’s work, we can use self-compassion as a buffer against burnout. For example, researchers have found that self-compassion decreases the likelihood of developing burnout among healthcare providers, so, at a time when I hear from many students that they are feeling burnt out, practicing self-compassion may be one useful tool.
- Second, self-compassion asks us to turn toward our disappointments and not ignore them. In “The Conflicts in our Callings: The Anguish (and Joy) of Willing Several Things,” Jason A. Mahn discusses how many of us will face two equally important and relevant callings and will only be able to attend to one. He notes our tendency to downplay the path that we were not able to follow and argues that we must also honor this path. Self-compassion can help us face our sadness and honor it more appropriately.
- Finally, because the definition of self-compassion includes the concept of common humanity, we are grounded in the shared experience of being human when we practice it. Turning towards our own suffering and our own challenges can help us turn towards the suffering of others. By definition, self-compassion honors and recognizes the suffering and challenges that we all face, and, as such, keeps us rooted in connection with others.
Final Thoughts
The word “self-compassion” seems simple and straightforward enough that the definition of the term may seem obvious. Within the psychological literature that builds on Eastern religion and philosophy, however, self-compassion is a complex construct that includes three components (i.e. self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness). It is more complex than self-care; it is more than being selfish or lazy. For students who tend towards self-criticism, feeling isolated, or judgmental of their internal experiences, self-compassion may be helpful for caring for the common good. It may be an essential ingredient to supporting their vocational journeys.
Samantha Brown is an assistant professor of psychology at Coe College, where she is also the faculty co-director of C3: Creativity, Careers, and Community. She is a NetVUE Faculty Fellow, and was a member of the 2021 cohort of the Faculty Seminar on Teaching Vocational Exploration. For more posts by Samantha, click here.